just two words

http://www.maximonline.com/jokes/joke_926.html

Brother John entered the’Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I’m sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.
"We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

brillian dogs

http://www.koivet.com/html/coolstuff/jokes_details.php?joke_id=6

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.